N is for No

It’s such a small word, but it can be so hard to say.

‘No.’

I’ve always struggled with this word. It seems to catch and dissolve in my throat whenever a friend/colleague/family member/stranger asks something of me. I understand that it’s a word missing from the vocabulary of so-called ‘people-pleasers’. It’s part of the condition. You feel just as indebted to the random guy next to you at the bus stop as you do to your mother. And you can’t say no.

Confusingly, I often read and hear people saying that we need to say ‘Yes!’ to the world – don’t close doors, remain open to opportunities.

But when you’re always saying yes, your time and energy flies out the window. Upon waking up in a cold sweat about something you forgot to do, you realise that there really are only 24 hours in a day. Burnout follows soon enough. I’m only just learning the rather basic and crucial skill that I should have acquired years ago. Say yes when you genuinely can and want to do something. Otherwise:

‘No.’

Leave it at that.

It ain’t necessary to give a long-winded explanation. (Unless you want their eyes to glaze over.)

M is for a Million Miles Away

Last Tuesday I woke up and the leaves on the maple were yellow. Autumn arrived and is making her presence known. Up and down the street the trees are shedding their leaves. It’s chilly at night; I saw my breath clouding when I put the bins out yesterday.

Work’s been busy. We’ve had a few people off sick – with the change in the weather comes the colds – so I’ve been under the pump doing relief work. It’s stressful but it’s good money…and a good distraction. I’m going to visit my parents in two weeks. They’ve been so supportive since they visited; Mum’s still calling every couple of days just to check in. Usually this would piss me off (as you well know!) but I’ve come to look forward to talking to her. Anyway, it will be good to go home and see Katie and Philip too. There’s nothing quite like friends from school to boost the spirits.

Next Thursday it will be five months since you left. I keep thinking how strangely time passes; some days it feels like only yesterday that you were sitting here beside me. Other days, it feels like years have gone by and I find myself forgetting little details about you, like the freckle below your left ear and how you used to take ages to drink your tea. I want to remember those details. I want to remember the little things.

You’re a million miles away from here tonight, but I still feel that thread connecting us. It hasn’t faded yet. It’s still shining, bridging the gap between my heart and yours.

L is for Let go

The hospice was all disinfectant and muted light. My mother and my shoes barely made a sound on the carpeted floors as we walked toward the day room. The residents were all parked around the room in varying states of awareness. A few family members and friends sat with them, reading to them or holding their hand. The TV played at a low hum in one corner. It was midday but it was twilight in this place.

‘Hello, Mrs Peters. And Michaela,’ said the nurse at reception. ‘Carol is in her room. She’s just having a sleep; she probably won’t wake up for a while.’

My mother nodded. ‘Thank you. We just want to see her.’

We walked across the day room and down another corridor. Generic floral and landscape paintings hung on the cream-coloured walls. The stale smell of roasted vegetables was stronger here. I caught glimpses of elderly people in bed, their mouths gaping open as if sucking in air, as if they were leaking life. I’d been visiting this hospice for weeks but the sight and smell of death so close still gave me chills.

Room 9 was Nanna’s. We’d fought to get her a room with some kind of view because she had loved her garden. Dark red roses were her favourite, with their deep rich fragrance.

We quietly entered her room and put our bags down. My mother moved to Nanna’s side and gently smoothed her wispy hair back from her face. She kissed Nanna’s forehead and sat in the chair beside the bed. I brought over the other chair and sat next to my mother.

When I pressed my hand on Nanna’s veiny one, I was shocked at the coolness of her skin. She had lost a lot of condition in only five days. The thing that had grown in her belly had spread all through her like a poisonous vine. She was as fragile as a late autumn leaf. I looked at her face, at her eyes that had sunk back in her face, and her mouth that was shrunken. That mouth that had asked me about school, those eyes that had twinkled behind her huge spectacles as I unwrapped a present.

‘She’s gone downhill pretty quickly,’ I whispered to my mother.

‘She’s leaving us, I think.’ She reached out to take the hand that I’d touched. I saw a tear drop from my mother’s cheek and onto her knee. ‘Rest now, Mum. You don’t need to fight it anymore. You just sleep.’

We sat there for a time, waiting for Nanna to let go.

K is for Kin

Over the last week I suddenly got very busy with work and various appointments – and realised that I hadn’t posted anything for several days! Oops! There goes my A to Z for April Challenge. Oh well, I will still get to Z, but just not in one month. 

This story came to me from nowhere. I’ve always found cemeteries to be quite moving places. In some parts of the world it’s a tradition to visit the graves of your ancestors during the year, to pay respects and remember them in life. 

Lina woke to the sun slanting through her curtains. Usually the day started in the dark. She panicked for a moment – she’d miss the train to school – and then remembered: it was the Day of Souls. It was a public holiday and meant a trip out to the middle of nowhere to the cemetery that held grandma and grandpa’s graves.

After getting dressed Lina helped her mother pack a picnic lunch and prepare water and a brush for cleaning the graves.

‘We’d better get going or we’ll be late,’ said Lina’s father, picking up the picnic basket.

They made it to the train station in ten minutes. Families were milling about along the platform. A train pulled in and a flood of people poured out. Lina’s father anxiously checked the train timetable. ‘Hope they haven’t been held up,’ he said.

‘If they have they would’ve let us know,’ said Lina’s mother.

‘They’ll be here,’ said Lina, watching a young couple hurry by, hand in hand. She was watching them disappear down the stairway when she felt a hand touch her shoulder.

‘Lee-lee! What’s got your attention?’ Lina’s sister Karen, embracing her. She held a basket with two bunches of white lilies. ‘Could it be a handsome young man by any chance?’

‘I’m not the one with the boy fixation,’ Lina laughed.

Lina’s brother was standing behind. Josh grinned and gave her a one-armed hug. ‘Good to see you again, little sis.’

‘Come on, you three, here’s the train now,’ said Lina’s father. They all followed him into a carriage and found a cluster of seats.

Between the standing commuters Lina caught glimpses of the tightly packed city buildings. It was a blur of concrete grey and bright advertisements. She half-listened to her parents asking her siblings questions about work, university, apartments. As the city gave way to green, the train became less crowded. Lina saw fields and farms as the train flew across the land.

Their stop was the second to last on this line. The station was old and open to the elements. Three other families got off at the same stop and they all made their way down the lane that led to the cemetery. It was a lushly green part of the world; dark green hills towered in the distance and a river rushed nearby. Karen’s laugh seemed to reach further out here.

‘Ross Bay Cemetery Fall Colors,’ 30 November 2013, Image courtesy of Wikimedia.

The cemetery was old but well-tended. Rows of graves spread out into a roughly rectangular area. Most of the autumn leaves from the maples and beech trees had been swept away. Some graves were ancient and crumbling and pitted, the names engraved almost indecipherable. Others were newer and had not yet settled into the earth.

Lina’s siblings became quiet as they walked down the centre path and turned down the one that led to their family’s burial area. Grandma and grandpa’s graves were identical except for the names and epitaphs. Grandma SuzieGrandpa Jack. Died within four years of each other and came back home to rest together.

Lina’s mother knelt before the graves and removed the heavy vases that still held remnants of old flowers. Lina and Josh took the vases and emptied them out at the edge of the cemetery. Lina’s mother brought out the brush and water bottle from her bag and carefully swept away leaves, dirt and twigs from the graves. She stepped away as Lina’s father poured water over. It caught the sunlight as it ran over and down the sides of the headstones. Karen crouched down and put the flowers in each vase and set them on the headstone.

Lina saw her parents bow their heads and lowered hers. She listened to the wood doves cooing and the distant drone of a car and remembered her grandparents. They had always been old to her; her grandpa had been a quiet, stern man who took them to the bakery for jam and cream buns. Her grandma had been warm and was always in the garden with her roses. Lina remembered Josh receiving a sharp telling off for kicking a ball into the garden and snapping off rose branches. She remembered hot sweet cups of tea and buttery biscuits in front of the television, and her grandpa’s rare cheeky smile.

Patchy sunlight fell onto Lina’s face as she stood before her grandparents and their parents, who were grown into the earth. Around her was her family. Kin.

J is for Jemima

Jemima is a little girl

She has round brown eyes

And tangled hair

She stares toward the skies

 

Her clothes are always

Stained with grass and dirt

She wears pants and shorts

She doesn’t own a skirt

 

Jemima likes to play outside

Especially near the lake

She sometimes stays out ’til night

(Which keeps her mum awake)

 

No brother or sister

Tags along to laugh and play

But Jemima is not alone

On any outside day

 

Lady Red is the name of

Jemima’s feathered friend

And together they explore the world

Jemima and her hen.

 

I was responsible for looking after a flock of chickens, ducks and geese when I was a child. I still remember them rushing over whenever I visited their yard; even if I didn’t bring food they’d hang around my feet, pecking the ground and crooning softly to each other. 

I is for Instinct

‘Can you see him?’

‘Where?’

‘Over there, the bush next to the roses. At the bottom.’

‘I can’t see – oh, yes, there he is.’

‘He looks like he’s stalking that pigeon,’ said my mother beside me. ‘I think we should stop him. Your neighbours will complain if he starts killing things.’

‘Mum, he’s never managed to catch anything before. He’s a useless hunter – he can’t even catch a blowfly.’

‘Hmm.’ We watched as Waldo the ginger cat crept over the dirt beneath the bush, inching closer to the pigeon. Slowly, he raised himself into a pounce pose and even from our vantage point 10 feet away, we could see him wiggling his bum in preparation to launch.

The pigeon seemed oblivious. It was pecking this way and that, every now and then snapping its little head about to check for danger. Clearly it had encountered Waldo before and knew not to be concerned.

‘He’s going for it,’ my mother murmured.

And sure enough he did; with one final wiggle, Waldo sprang out from beneath the bush like a fiery floor mop. And he missed the pigeon by a mile, as usual.

‘See, he’s not a hunter. The birds are safe,’ I said, gesturing at Waldo, who was staring up at the sky.

‘One day he’ll catch something. He’s a cat, after all – that’s what cats do.’

‘Maybe he has the instinct to hunt, but he doesn’t have the ability.’ Waldo sidled over and I reached down to stroke his fluffy back.

‘Better to be a handsome hot water bottle than a hunter, anyway,’ my mother said as Waldo jumped onto her lap.

A few moments later, another pigeon landed in the garden. Waldo settled in for a snooze.

H is for Her

She is there in the morning, waking beside me. She goes out to the kitchen and makes tea. I hear her turn on the radio. I am waking to the sound of her humming that pop song that’s always playing, to the kettle boiling, to her smiling eyes.

The house shows she has been here and that she is coming back. Her bag, her clothes, her toothbrush, the smell of her shampoo. A photo in a frame on the shelves in the living room – it shows her face and mine. There is a note on the table. It’s in her handwriting, a loopy scribble in black ink, saying have a good day, darling, see you tonight, xo.

I have a busy day with work and errands, phone calls and traffic jams. I heave myself through the door and dump my bags. The dog needs feeding and patting. I get a beer from the fridge and put the lasagne in the oven.

The sun is setting when I hear the gate open and close. The doorknob turns, and she is there. Her ‘hello’, her sighs, her beautiful tired eyes.

Now the morning is silent without her.

G is for Gratitude

Gratitude is many things…

It’s the sun poking out from behind the cloud bank on a freezing day.

It’s flowers blooming and grass turning green.

It’s finding a park right out the front when you’re running late.

It’s the stranger who smiles and says hello.

It’s your pet who always wants to see you (and not just because you feed him/her).

It’s your friend who is there with a hug when life takes you down.

It’s your family who know you and love you, with all your flaws and fears.

It’s your body, which isn’t perfect, but does a pretty good job.

It’s falling sleep with the understanding that you are not alone.

It’s waking up and realising that you have another chance at this gift called life.

Image

F is for Feel the Fear

I used to enjoy driving. I liked to take off on trips down the coast and out to the country. I got a buzz going on the freeway with the windows down. Behind the wheel I was confident. I trusted my car and I trusted myself to get where I needed to go.

But four years ago I sold my car. Having moved to a tiny inner city apartment, I no longer needed or could afford a car. It was with some sadness that I watched my car drive off without me, but I also felt relieved. No more petrol! No more services or parking fines!

Last year I moved back to my hometown. It’s a small city and it’s a car city. Public transport doesn’t really happen here. I realised pretty quickly that I wasn’t going to get very far – literally – by relying on buses. I went out and bought a cheap second-hand car.

It was also a manual.

I told myself, ‘You’ll be fine, it’s like riding a bike. It’ll all come back.’

After all, I’d learnt to drive in a manual ten years ago…but I had not driven a manual since. And I’d only just managed to pass the test back then.

Sitting in the car for the first time with my dad in the passenger seat, I found myself having flashbacks to a bad stalling incident on a busy road as a Learner. I’d nearly rear-ended someone. I felt my heart racing.

‘Calm down, just put your foot on the clutch and put it into first gear. Just one step at a time,’ said my dad. It was hard to listen and follow his instructions with the cloud of panic that was in my brain. But I did it, I made the car roll forward. And I stalled.

Learning to drive manual again was not like a riding a bike. I had a whole lot of fear associated with driving a car with a clutch. I bunny-hopped my way around my suburb and had a few teary outbursts when I couldn’t manage hill starts.

At one point I thought I would have to sell the car and buy an auto. I didn’t. Instead, I found myself heading up the highway to the hills. The countryside whizzed past and fear was closing up my throat. I just kept driving anyway.

E is for Eggs

There was a spider

That lived in the ivy

Where she spun her lovely webs

She caught the flies, she caught the bugs,

She laid her many eggs

All through dark winter

When the wind is sharp

And the night is biting cold

Mother spider worked and spun

Around her webs she crawled

Spring bloomed with sun

Flowers sprang into colour

The big day was drawing near

Mother spun and watched and waited

For her babies to appear

Creepy crawly spiders

Too many eyes and legs

But when her eggs were broken

And out her babies swarmed

Mother spider did a little jig –

Her tiny heart was warmed.

spider mother

I have no idea why I felt compelled to write a poem about a mother spider, but there it is.